I envisioned my Facebook feed this morning would be full of parents complaining about the local school district not closing due to a bout of freezing rain overnight. I rolled my eyes thinking….if they cancelled school in Iowa each time we got winter precipitation the kids would rarely go in winter months. Personally between school breaks and sick kids that is enough to put a target on my back at work having to miss work so often. So I was elated when our district did not scroll across the screen and dutifully went about my morning routine. I noticed our driveway was slick and so was our side road but I was careful in navigating the hazards. After all my entire life has been spent in Iowa or Colorado so I know winter weather. I dropped the baby off at daycare and spied another parent who had crashed in to landscaped area. Going no more than 7 miles an hour I approached the intersection that connects the school to a very well traveled road. I applied my brakes further back than I normally do and I immediately felt my brakes kicking back. I applied firm pressure because that is what Drivers’ Ed told me…or did they? Do I have anti-lock brakes? Two lanes of traffic were heading straight towards me. I didn’t know what else to do…I cried out ‘STOP!’ in the most uncontrolled fashion and quickly yanked the wheel to the left. I came to a stop; sideways….mere inches from the steady flow of cars. Once I regained my composure I turned on to a neighboring street and stopped my car. My foot hurt, my back was full of tension and I was out of breath. But I was there…alive…unharmed. Dramatic? I don’t know…but it was scary as hell. It definitely made me think about all my actions the past week with Hubs and the children. In an instant….it can all change. Maybe a bit deep for this early in the morning and I am not exactly the most religious person but something…someone…even if just my inner strength was certainly guiding me through.

Today I will not stress eat.
Today I will not stress eat.
Today I will not stress eat.

I was just about on my fourth repeat when I glanced at my cell phone, which I had just removed from my purse upon entering work. Two missed calls. One from Hubs….the other from daycare. Crap…crap! As if we weren’t skating a thin sheet of ice already, Hubs and I, the stress of the impending who would leave work to care for a sick child fight suckerpunched me in the gut. And just like each time before it lived up to all the four letter word laced times before. And just like each time before, the baby wasn’t really sick….just a case of too much liquid/food/baby phlegm-it is caused him to expel his stomach contents. But instead of calmly assessing our employment needs for the day we went all Braveheart battle scene on each other. Oy, oy….this parenting stuff is hard. Keeping the kids happy, the spouses, the extended family, the bosses….and somehow remember to keep ourselves happy by not using a crutch that at the time gives us a reasonable accommodation….but in reality it just causes more problems. So, at least for this moment, I am choosing not to stress eat. I am, however, taking out all my December frustrations on this piece of peppermint gum. Poor gum.

As I stared at my afternoon snack, a grapefruit, a local florist van pulled up outside my window and I felt my heart rise to my throat. Hubs and I have been skating a rough patch lately a la kids, holiday spending, weather woes and I just knew these were for me. I prepared myself for the front door to ‘ding!’ and when it did I slowly rose to my feet and strolled towards the lobby. A smile came to my face as I saw various colors of roses in a beautiful vase. The delivery gal turned to me and said “Flower delivery for (not me-insert female co-workers name here)”….and my heart quickly plummeted out my rear. Why not me!? The wife who diligently launders her husband’s clothing and unmentionables. The wife who purchased snow pants so he would not get soaked snow blowing this winter. The wife who tries to look her best so he can not only be proud of who I am on the inside…but the outside as well. But no. It was for her. The girlfriend who constantly informs me how fat he is, how his face is flared up with acne and brags about ‘being better than him’. She had received seven roses (seven is her favorite number) from her boyfriend and the card sympathized with her ‘bad morning’. I really should have been happy for her, I really should have been. So, instead of inserting my foot in my mouth…I quickly put my grapefruit aside and inserted a chocolate cookie. Hush, dear, that’ll take the sting away…..

Things to do:

*Buy Kit Kat Bar

Have I told you about the Christmas Kit Kat? Nine years ago Christmas was a somber time. I was a month in to mega-depression AKA Ex-husband leaves 2004 and what food was in the fridge when he left was slowly depleting. Five years a stay at home Mom, I was skill-less and job-less….I was money-less. I had saved some funds, exactly twenty dollars worth, to purchase presents from the dollar store. I knew this was going to be a rough year but had forgotten to save some money to purchase cookies / ingredients to bake cookies with. Daughter, a wide eyed toddler, asked on Christmas Eve if Santa would leave her presents since we did not have cookies and milk to offer him. On a side note, milk was liquid gold in our house with a growing toddler…the fat man was NOT going to get one ounce of that half gallon that was chilling in the fridge. I panicked and looked around for something, ANYTHING to leave him that wasn’t a can of refried beans or an egg. In the bottom of our apple cookie jar was a fun size Kit Kat. It was leftover from Halloween. That was it. So that night we put out the Kit Kat and a glass of tap water. I told her that Santa likes a variety. And you know what? It stuck. That two year old remembered for the past nine years that Santa likes Kit Kat bars…affectionately named Kitty Kat Bars in our house. So if nothing else, I must remember....BUY.KIT.KAT.BAR.

I walked through the dimly lit hallway and was ushered through a doorway to an office no bigger than my bathroom. To my right were an older metal desk, two chairs and a small tower of boxes containing what appeared to be files. To my left was a larger tower of boxes, also with what appeared to be files. She greeted me with a handshake and her warm brown eyes twinkled as she welcomed me “Hello Jennifer, I’m Linda.” I shakily greeted her back. I felt raw, exposed and alone before our meeting but something in her eyes told me this was to be a life changing event. Three weeks prior I had been watching a Lifetime movie and at the close of the movie, they spoke of RAINN. Three weeks prior I had been the SURVIVOR of a sexual assault. Following the incident I fell in to a deep depression. I had no friends, my parents had their own issues at the time and I was going through a divorce. I felt I had nothing to lose calling the number asking….where do I go from here? Through weeks of sessions I learned several things. I learned to be my own best friend. I began ‘dating’ myself. I would go and have dinner after my Wednesday sessions and listen to my own inner thoughts and guidance. I learned that I cannot change anyone’s actions, personality or opinions. I can only change how I react to them. But most of all I learned that I am strong. I can take any situation in life and turn it in to a positive outcome. She helped me find the best in myself then, and today the ones who helped me find the best in myself is YOU. Each of your kind words through comments and messaging filled me with hope, just as her brown eyes did for me years ago.

Thank you ALL.
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
― Nelson Mandela