Things to do:

*Buy Kit Kat Bar

Have I told you about the Christmas Kit Kat? Nine years ago Christmas was a somber time. I was a month in to mega-depression AKA Ex-husband leaves 2004 and what food was in the fridge when he left was slowly depleting. Five years a stay at home Mom, I was skill-less and job-less….I was money-less. I had saved some funds, exactly twenty dollars worth, to purchase presents from the dollar store. I knew this was going to be a rough year but had forgotten to save some money to purchase cookies / ingredients to bake cookies with. Daughter, a wide eyed toddler, asked on Christmas Eve if Santa would leave her presents since we did not have cookies and milk to offer him. On a side note, milk was liquid gold in our house with a growing toddler…the fat man was NOT going to get one ounce of that half gallon that was chilling in the fridge. I panicked and looked around for something, ANYTHING to leave him that wasn’t a can of refried beans or an egg. In the bottom of our apple cookie jar was a fun size Kit Kat. It was leftover from Halloween. That was it. So that night we put out the Kit Kat and a glass of tap water. I told her that Santa likes a variety. And you know what? It stuck. That two year old remembered for the past nine years that Santa likes Kit Kat bars…affectionately named Kitty Kat Bars in our house. So if nothing else, I must remember....BUY.KIT.KAT.BAR.

I walked through the dimly lit hallway and was ushered through a doorway to an office no bigger than my bathroom. To my right were an older metal desk, two chairs and a small tower of boxes containing what appeared to be files. To my left was a larger tower of boxes, also with what appeared to be files. She greeted me with a handshake and her warm brown eyes twinkled as she welcomed me “Hello Jennifer, I’m Linda.” I shakily greeted her back. I felt raw, exposed and alone before our meeting but something in her eyes told me this was to be a life changing event. Three weeks prior I had been watching a Lifetime movie and at the close of the movie, they spoke of RAINN. Three weeks prior I had been the SURVIVOR of a sexual assault. Following the incident I fell in to a deep depression. I had no friends, my parents had their own issues at the time and I was going through a divorce. I felt I had nothing to lose calling the number asking….where do I go from here? Through weeks of sessions I learned several things. I learned to be my own best friend. I began ‘dating’ myself. I would go and have dinner after my Wednesday sessions and listen to my own inner thoughts and guidance. I learned that I cannot change anyone’s actions, personality or opinions. I can only change how I react to them. But most of all I learned that I am strong. I can take any situation in life and turn it in to a positive outcome. She helped me find the best in myself then, and today the ones who helped me find the best in myself is YOU. Each of your kind words through comments and messaging filled me with hope, just as her brown eyes did for me years ago.

Thank you ALL.
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
― Nelson Mandela

Recently my daughter has begun to grow disappointed with her father, my ex-husband. The years of broken promises, unsavory parental choices and not financially contributing has gone from unnoticed, to center stage. I get asked by friends and family if I regret my marriage to him. I reply that I do not. I THANK him. Yep, that’s right I thank him…privately of course…daily. I thank him for contributing his DNA to the beautiful, intelligent young woman that I tuck in nightly with her blankie. I thank him for leaving me because it made me stronger and self sufficient. I thank him for not contributing financially because it makes my husband and I work that much harder as a team to make ends meet. I thank him for breaking my heart in to pieces for my husband has not only had to become a part of my heart…..but helped me rebuild it from the ground up. I thank him for his half truths and excuses because my daughter will enter the adult world and err on the side of caution, trusting carefully. After all we are the big winners in this. She for having a Mother who loves her enough for two parents and me for having the pleasure of watching her grow daily from the constant encouragement and care in to the young lady she is today. So…I ask...have you given thanks today?

Life gets busy in our house. Between waking up before the sun rises and going to bed entirely too late, you would think Hubs and I would have the opportunity to communicate freely often. But those hours seem to get weighted with household chores…straining to remember to encourage  Daughter’s daily band practice…Boy 1’s sight words THOSE SIGHT WORDS EVERY NIGHT…Baby Boy’s reading / playing/ changing diapers/ getting another handful of cereal… EYE.CREAM.MUST.REMEMBER.EYE.CREAM…Full House episodes to wind the kids down….it just gets-busy. Sometimes I daydream when Hubs is on my schedule for a lunch date about a romantic lunch, full of fine foods and rich conversation. Today my daydream was just that as we explored a new deli next door. I watched Hubs create a ‘suicide’ at the soda machine (I haven’t stomached one of those since I was 16), our conversation included quotes such as “$24 for lunch!? Better take out a second mortgage!” and “I’m starving…those portion sizes were tiny!” topped off by both of us giggling at the end of the meal while tasting the stale cookie that topped off our lunch date. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

When I was 11, I struggled with my weight and learned quickly cruel fellow kids can be. When I was 16, I learned about maintaining my own apartment and how difficult it was to balance working / cleaning / cooking / bills. When I was 18, I battled the loneliness and depression that came with moving cross country with no family or friends. When I was 24, I struggled to survive through a messy divorce and nasty custody battle while reentering the workforce after a long period of staying home. Now at thirty-something I look back and wonder how in the hell I made it thorough. My struggles now include getting this kid to this school event, studying this subject or encouraging that extra curricular task. It’s remembering to purchase snacks for tee ball games, flag football, school parties on top of planning out a dinner menu that will somewhat keep the peace in the house. It’s remembering, diligently, to apply the eye cream that I splurged on twice a day to keep the crows feet at bay. It’s juggling at work duties, at home duties and still trying to set aside some time to get down on the floor and play monster trucks, legos, read a book with the kids. Still worthy struggles but no where the uphill battles I fought before. Looking back, I was a badass even though I didn’t know it. So today I am going to be a little kinder to myself….I think you should do the same.

Bullying....my experience....

Recently the child suicide due to bullying hit close to home. Locally a beautiful, seemingly intelligent young lady who attended a prestigious private school took her own life and by all accounts it was due to peer bullying. It personally hit a note with me because Daughter is currently struggling with a long time ‘friend’ who at any chance is rude and downright cruel to her. The ‘friend’ recently told Daughter some unkind words as she looked at her newly taken school picture. (Not that I am biased or anything but Daughter looked positively stunning in it) All the years I have spent helping her build up a wall of self-esteem that strangers could not penetrate…..I did not think to educate her on ‘friends’ that could turn on her. I don’t know why….the exact thing happened to me. My bestest friend in the entire world in sixth grade knew of a monster crush I had on a certain red-headed boy in our class. She said that she would talk to him about being my boyfriend. To my surprise he agreed! Although, she told me that he did not want anyone to know and I could write love letters to him, give them to her and he would do the same. I still remember my heart fluttering at seeing his name signed with a heart next to it…just.for.me. Unfortunately I found out it all was a hoax. It was my ‘friend’….the one I spent all my summers with had turned on me. Not terribly long after that the entire neighborhood began terrorizing me. It was hurtful and I never thought I would make it. I, luckily, never contemplated suicide. My heart aches for the girls and boys out there that DO. If I could tell them one thing it would be “this too shall pass”. The ‘friends’, the enemies, the things that are so large in your life now…..will be a distant memory as you age. It took finding a good therapist to teach me to NOT be a victim. What is done to you cannot be changed but your reaction to the situation CAN change you….for the better. Absolutely no regrets.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

We checked in to the hospital’s surgery center on February 14, 2006….Valentines Day. Where most people were receiving flower deliveries or making plans for that night’s dinner, he assisted me out of my clothes in to a hospital gown. I wept and for the first time in our relationship he quietly consoled me. The excitement that consumed us twenty four hours earlier as we awaited the fetal doppler to play us the sound of Baby’s heartbeat, turned in to sadness as the ultrasound confirmed that our child did not have a heart and unbeknownst to me had stopped growing a week before. How did I not know? As my anger subsided, sorrow consumed every moment. I wondered at that moment how we could ever be whole again and although it did not happen overnight Hubs and I began the healing process. I grew to accept there are some things in life we cannot begin to comprehend and possibly there was somewhere else he was needed more. I named him Aidan and although I never met him, I still carry him with me in my heart.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Thank you for listening to my story.