Life gets busy in our house. Between waking up before the sun rises and going to bed entirely too late, you would think Hubs and I would have the opportunity to communicate freely often. But those hours seem to get weighted with household chores…straining to remember to encourage  Daughter’s daily band practice…Boy 1’s sight words THOSE SIGHT WORDS EVERY NIGHT…Baby Boy’s reading / playing/ changing diapers/ getting another handful of cereal… EYE.CREAM.MUST.REMEMBER.EYE.CREAM…Full House episodes to wind the kids down….it just gets-busy. Sometimes I daydream when Hubs is on my schedule for a lunch date about a romantic lunch, full of fine foods and rich conversation. Today my daydream was just that as we explored a new deli next door. I watched Hubs create a ‘suicide’ at the soda machine (I haven’t stomached one of those since I was 16), our conversation included quotes such as “$24 for lunch!? Better take out a second mortgage!” and “I’m starving…those portion sizes were tiny!” topped off by both of us giggling at the end of the meal while tasting the stale cookie that topped off our lunch date. And you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

When I was 11, I struggled with my weight and learned quickly cruel fellow kids can be. When I was 16, I learned about maintaining my own apartment and how difficult it was to balance working / cleaning / cooking / bills. When I was 18, I battled the loneliness and depression that came with moving cross country with no family or friends. When I was 24, I struggled to survive through a messy divorce and nasty custody battle while reentering the workforce after a long period of staying home. Now at thirty-something I look back and wonder how in the hell I made it thorough. My struggles now include getting this kid to this school event, studying this subject or encouraging that extra curricular task. It’s remembering to purchase snacks for tee ball games, flag football, school parties on top of planning out a dinner menu that will somewhat keep the peace in the house. It’s remembering, diligently, to apply the eye cream that I splurged on twice a day to keep the crows feet at bay. It’s juggling at work duties, at home duties and still trying to set aside some time to get down on the floor and play monster trucks, legos, read a book with the kids. Still worthy struggles but no where the uphill battles I fought before. Looking back, I was a badass even though I didn’t know it. So today I am going to be a little kinder to myself….I think you should do the same.

Bullying....my experience....

Recently the child suicide due to bullying hit close to home. Locally a beautiful, seemingly intelligent young lady who attended a prestigious private school took her own life and by all accounts it was due to peer bullying. It personally hit a note with me because Daughter is currently struggling with a long time ‘friend’ who at any chance is rude and downright cruel to her. The ‘friend’ recently told Daughter some unkind words as she looked at her newly taken school picture. (Not that I am biased or anything but Daughter looked positively stunning in it) All the years I have spent helping her build up a wall of self-esteem that strangers could not penetrate…..I did not think to educate her on ‘friends’ that could turn on her. I don’t know why….the exact thing happened to me. My bestest friend in the entire world in sixth grade knew of a monster crush I had on a certain red-headed boy in our class. She said that she would talk to him about being my boyfriend. To my surprise he agreed! Although, she told me that he did not want anyone to know and I could write love letters to him, give them to her and he would do the same. I still remember my heart fluttering at seeing his name signed with a heart next to it…just.for.me. Unfortunately I found out it all was a hoax. It was my ‘friend’….the one I spent all my summers with had turned on me. Not terribly long after that the entire neighborhood began terrorizing me. It was hurtful and I never thought I would make it. I, luckily, never contemplated suicide. My heart aches for the girls and boys out there that DO. If I could tell them one thing it would be “this too shall pass”. The ‘friends’, the enemies, the things that are so large in your life now…..will be a distant memory as you age. It took finding a good therapist to teach me to NOT be a victim. What is done to you cannot be changed but your reaction to the situation CAN change you….for the better. Absolutely no regrets.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

We checked in to the hospital’s surgery center on February 14, 2006….Valentines Day. Where most people were receiving flower deliveries or making plans for that night’s dinner, he assisted me out of my clothes in to a hospital gown. I wept and for the first time in our relationship he quietly consoled me. The excitement that consumed us twenty four hours earlier as we awaited the fetal doppler to play us the sound of Baby’s heartbeat, turned in to sadness as the ultrasound confirmed that our child did not have a heart and unbeknownst to me had stopped growing a week before. How did I not know? As my anger subsided, sorrow consumed every moment. I wondered at that moment how we could ever be whole again and although it did not happen overnight Hubs and I began the healing process. I grew to accept there are some things in life we cannot begin to comprehend and possibly there was somewhere else he was needed more. I named him Aidan and although I never met him, I still carry him with me in my heart.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Thank you for listening to my story.

Kit Kat Bars

This is why I do what I do. An employee calls, distraught. She is unable to access her paystubs due to a case of ForgotYourUserName/Password-it is. As the conversation progresses she confides in me her reason she is unable to cope. Her husband, the breadwinner of the family, just walked out on her and her two children. She goes on to tell me that at this very moment she is applying for emergency assistance at her local DHS office. Now…the people I work with are great people but….they wouldn’t think of dropping their current project and immediately helping an employee in need this way. I did because….I was her. Nine years ago this Thanksgiving it was me frantic and emotionally unstable. It was me trying to find ANY way of making sure Daughter would not go without food and shelter. It was me accepting the help of a local charity who gave me a Dora book to add to Santa’s gifts. It was me who scrounged up ten dollars and went to the dollar store and purchased nine items to go under the tree. It was me who when Daughter asked “Will Santa leave me presents since we don’t have cookies?” to which I looked in the cookie jar to find the last bit of Halloween candy, a Kit Kat bar, and stated that Santa liked Kit Kat bars so much more than cookies. So I hurried and gathered her list of needs to send to the local DHS office, hoping that whatever she does receive will lift a little burden off her chest. I know I am thankful for any help I received during my time of need. It helped build character and make me stronger. Some memories are tough to recall, some I have completely blocked out, but the one thing I never forgot (nor did Daughter) was the Kit Kat bar. Our family still leaves one out every year for Santa. I hope she can find the rays of sunshine just as I did.