Men are not programmed to be Mommies. Let me rephrase that.
My husband is not programmed to be a Mommy. He is on Day Two of Baby Boy has an
ear infection and won’t hold the medicine down so the house smells like baby
vomit duty. I wish I was there. I am internally sobbing.
I wish I wasn’t stuck at work for another hour and a half
finding mindless things to do with a paid smile on my face. In my mind, I could
make everything better. I could silence his cries better, I could get him to
eat better, I would have started his new medicine. Alas, this is all in my
mind. I sit here with sore, tense shoulders worrying about what tonight will
bring. Will he keep the meds down? Will he cry all night in pain? Will we have
to take him to the hospital if he does not hold the meds down and beg for
antibiotics via injection? I know one thing. I am freaking tired. Nah…forget
that….I’m fucking tired. I feel totally and completely responsible for the
health of this eight month old and I am totally sucking at it. It’s my fault. If
he wasn’t in daycare he wouldn’t have gotten this cold. He would not have
gotten an ear infection. I failed. I can’t find a way to make staying at home
pay. I can’t find a way to provide medical insurance being an at home Mom. I can’t
help that most days I actually enjoy the eight hours of away from the family
time. I just feel all around like a failure. Between financial stresses,
marital strain and…well, children…..I am at my breaking point.
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